Through the ebb and flow of life your memory still exists. Forever etched behind my eyes like short, cloudy movie clips, tarnished and dated. These moments are a little hazy, some clearer then others but they still remain a part of my life. The gap is starting to close away as the dust settles but I have not been left untouched. I have gained a different perspective through this experience. I took the weight of the world on overnight and tried to be brave while being strong for my own children. I tried to be supermom and everything to everyone in my life while carrying a heavy heart that felt tainted somehow. Tainted from the hardship of dealing with emotions from the past and present that came on so powerfully strong when you died. Your life ended without a lot of warning and at such a young age. I feel ashamed for not being a better daughter but conflicted for not having a mother most of my life. A mother that would stand by me and love me and be there for me when I most needed her. I did not have that and try to justify not being there more over the years. I am a pillar that has had to stand strong since the first memories I can conjure up in my mind. They say children are resilient and they are. I am living proof of that. I am afraid to let people in, even more so after this. I want to try.
Mom, I love you and see you each day in all I do. I feel your presence help guide me and know that things were beyond your control or mine when you were here. You tried you best with what life dealt for you as I am trying myself.
This song has washed over me the past few days and embraced me and my heart with warmth and comfort.
"Oceans" By Zion
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